19 October 2002
As a player who has several plus-ones on the go, I find a mail merge spreadsheet template an invaluable labour-saving and time-management tool to keep all my plates spinning and my squeezes keen: “Hiya {{term of affection}} hope ur keeping that fine {{part of body}} warm for some {{physical interaction}} {{day of week}} {{suggestive foodstuff emoji}} ciao! {{fake name}}” It just makes sense.
So, while you plebs throw snark at Kelly Rowland for apparently texting via Excel in the video for a song in which she, like me above, must keep more than one pot on the boil, I simply tip my hat to a fellow player and spreadsheet wiz. Once again, those Destiny’s Child ladies lead the way. Also, let’s be honest: if it were Beyoncé we’d think nothing of it; the prerogative of power is to bend office productivity software to one’s will.
I suppose another reason you dwell on this scene from the video is that the song isn’t much to text via Excel about. That fired-in “Ohhh!” and tinkling hook are nice to begin with but a bit wearying after the umpteen-millionth repetition, and we’re still in the first verse. The goofy, larky Nelly of ‘Hot In Herre’ and ‘Ride Wit Me’ is subdued and sitting on his hands here; ‘Dilemma’ is a classic slow jam and really he lacks the smouldering come-hither skillset you need for this. (Again, I speak from experience.) Of course, Nelly is left minding the jackets because the real marquee name here is Kelly, who admittedly sounds great: her voice positively sparkles with the star power of R&B-pop royalty. So, it’s the Kelly factor that tips ‘Dilemma’ into the credit column.
Oh, and don’t worry about me: none of my significant others will be reading this – I’ve told them I do a podcast. Damn, I’m good. By the way, you’re looking well.
