5 May 2005
We should have seen it coming. The warped, squeaky voice right at the start of Akon’s ‘Lonely’ is an unerring harbinger of a particular hit single to come. We are entering one of the worst streaks of number ones in Irish chart history. Since you got fair warning of this on my socials, I presume you’re here either to flex your schadenfreude or to dip your toe into the horror and let the icy thrill of vicarious disgust shiver up your spine. For me, this is my whole life now.
The rest of ‘Lonely’ carries the asbestos fibres of other imminent chart toppers too: dreary singing; simpering balladry; watered down US R&B; diabetes-inducing schmaltz. Applying the logic of normal pop music, I guess that chipmunk lyric is the hook which drove a nation of morons to hear this thing on the radio, keep listening, actually like it, and then buy it. Akon’s ‘Lonely’ is also an unwelcome return to the ’90s trend where music of Black origin only ever topped our mainstream white-dominated charts in some sort of gimmicky, infantile travesty. You’ll recognise that as the modus operandi and mission statement of the Black Eyed Peas; naturally they’ll be along here soon. It seems that the fashion in 2005 was for chart hits that were supremely irritating. Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear my phone ringing.
