23 November 2006
Let’s see who’s treating us to more of toxic cash cow Eminem at the top of our charts. Akon’s most recent 2023 appearance in the marketplace of ideas was with his reductive views on the unequal role of women in African society, garnished with his innovative biological theory that women are nice-to-haves rather than need-to-haves in the whole baby-making thing. He also tried to clarify his less-than-bothered response to the musings of America’s leading public antisemite by blaming those pesky interviewers. And in business news, he has been in hot water over crypto-currency activities intended to bankroll his multi-billion-dollar Senegalese futuristic metropolis development that is still, at time of writing, a field. Looking good, Akon? Feeling good, Eminem!
‘Smack That’ at least spares us the more overt manifestations of Eminem’s homophobic, misogynistic, white-male-entitled worldview. Its ’00s crunk&B club-jam sound is quite cool: the sparse, nimble beat plays nicely off the icy synths. Alas, though unsurprisingly, neither protagonist appeals to me. Between Akon’s blandness and Eminem’s incel whininess, I don’t know which is the more unlikely club player pulling a pole dancer, as in the lyrics. Be he rapping or singing, Akon is so sterile and featureless here that my first thought on hearing him sing about his Lamborghini Gallardo was “I didn’t know Lamborghini made budget-priced ’90s hatchbacks”. I suppose for once they’re both relatively harmless.
